As Much As I Love You
by Hopeakaarme
Summary: Some people have a way of sneaking into your life until you can't imagine it without them. Sometimes, they leave you to discovering reality is much worse than imagining. Shounen ai RenInuKai. Character death.


Disclaimer: I own very little.

A/N: This is an entry to the **30-dogpile** challenge in LiveJournal, the theme being _Sneaking_. Threesome.

* * *

As Much As I Love You  


* * *

Yanagi Renji did not as much hate Kaidou Kaoru as he wished the other boy would stop existing.

He wouldn't go as far as to actually wish for the other's death, of course. That would have been a bit too harsh, even for one known for their cruelty such as he. Renji was simply of the opinion that the world would have been a better place if Kaidou simply hadn't existed in the first place. It wasn't anything personal – not in a way that was due to Kaidou's actions, anyway. After all, the boy hardly could help who fell in love with him.

Perhaps he should have hated Inui instead. After all, it was the bespectacled boy who essentially caused this misery. However, it was much easier to direct his negative emotions towards his rival than the one they were fighting over.

He doubted it could be called fighting over, really. There was very little fighting done, after all. Aside from the occasional sharp gaze when they were sure Inui wouldn't notice – which wasn't very often – or a snarky word or two, they showed no animosity towards each other. They had agreed to be civil for Inui's sake, both fervently hoping the other would be the first one to break the contract.

When Inui had called him one day, telling him they had to talk about something important in person, he had been delighted. After all, he had waited for the longest time for Inui to actually realize they were meant to be together. However, he had been quite surprised to go to the agreed-upon meeting place and find both Inui and Kaidou there. It had been nothing compared with the surprise that followed, though. Inui had doubtlessly tried to find the best way to put his words, but there was simply no right way to tell two different people he loved them both and would, more than anything, like to date them both.

Now, neither Kaidou nor Renji himself were the most agreeable of people. However, if there was one person who could make them both compromise, it was Inui Sadaharu, who also seemed quite well aware of his special status in their view of the world.

Renji had sometimes considered taking a more dramatic approach, like in those soap operas his mother loved to watch. 'You have to choose,' he would say, 'it's him or me.' However, he never actually did so, not wanting to place his boyfriend in such a situation.

Besides, Renji feared making such an insensitive demand might be just the thing Inui needed to get his inner scales to lean towards Kaidou's side.

Of course, it wasn't all bad. Kaidou turned out to be quite a lot more intelligent than he'd expected – not that he had expected much – and made for an interesting addition into his conversations with Inui. While the youngest boy didn't say much, everything he said was well thought-out and relevant to the topic. Besides, sometimes as he and Inui argued, Kaidou actually took his side. Apparently he didn't let loyalty cloud his judgement in such matters.

Kaidou was extremely useful when it came to misleading his parents, too. Rather suspicious about the nature of his relationship with Inui, they had developed a habit of forbidding any overnight stays at the other boy's house, especially when nobody else was present. However, when they were told Kaidou would also be there, they usually gave him permission to go. After all, no illicit activities would take place under the gaze of an outside observer, they concluded.

Little did they know that having Kaidou there as well made Inui only more willing to partake in such activities.

It was very difficult at first, of course. Merely kissing Inui in front of Kaidou, or seeing Kaidou kissing Inui, seemed unbearable. However, he sensed an entirely new kind of passion in Inui's kisses at those times, a new kind of desire in even his slightest touches.

For Inui, he kept telling himself, he could do this. For Inui, he would get through this.

Only for Inui.

* * *

Yanagi Renji didn't as much come to like Kaidou Kaoru as he got used to the other boy.

It was hard not to, really, given how the other boy was around so often. Inui insisted on spending as much time with them both as possible, which made it unavoidable that the two would spend time together as well. And when you spend a lot of time with someone all the time, you either grow used to them or you grow to hate them. In this case, it was fortunately the former, for a case of the latter would have made it impossible for them to be with Inui as much as they wanted to.

However, even as he was used to Kaidou, Renji still felt somewhat unsettled as he found himself alone with the younger boy, trying to concentrate on his Math homework as the other boy worked on his own English one. Inui had gone to get them something to drink, leaving them to their own devices.

How very trusting, Renji thought. Inui seemed convinced they wouldn't kill each other. Remarkable, really.

Kaidou frowned a bit, apparently trying to figure out the answer to some question, the end of his pen in his mouth. For some reason Renji found his eyes drawn to that mouth, that pen, the way those full lips were wrapped around it. They were… tempting, in a way, and he shouldn't have been thinking about that at all. After all, he was with Inui, and he wasn't about to cheat on Inui.

Kaidou twirled the pen in his fingers thoughtfully, still sucking at its end. Renji swallowed. This was… somewhat distracting. Quite a bit so, actually.

"Kaidou-kun," he finally said, making the other boy look up. His mind made up though still a bit hesitant, Renji leant forward, pressing his lips against Kaidou's.

He wasn't about to cheat on Inui. However, if it was with Kaidou... it wouldn't be really cheating, now would it?

Kaidou's kiss was, naturally, not like Inui's. The younger boy's lips were softer, not as warm as Inui's. Their touch was, however, not unpleasant at all. Even though it vaguely hurt to admit it, Renji could understand why Inui seemed to enjoy kissing Kaidou.

Kaidou shifted a bit, and suddenly there was a hesitant hand on his arm, one he didn't find unpleasant. In fact, he might have even liked the feel of it. Wondering if Kaidou thought the same, Renji placed his hands on the younger boy's waist, drawing him slightly closer.

Soon enough Renji found himself entirely drawn into the kiss, one hand on Kaidou's thigh as the other sneaked under the younger boy's t-shirt. The sounds Kaidou made against his lips were absolutely delicious, and the hand caressing his arm felt warmer than it should have been, by logic.

A startled gasp broke the spell of the moment. They broke apart to see Inui standing there, staring at them. Renji looked at the bespectacled boy. "Sadaharu?" he asked, somewhat hesitant. How would Inui react?

He needn't have worried, as it turned out. "That," Inui said, adjusting his glasses with a slightly nervous air, "was the most erotic thing I can remember ever seeing."

Kaidou flushed a bit in embarrassment, hissing quietly. Renji, however, smirked. "Is that so?" he asked, slowly drawing his hand from under Kaidou's shirt. "Have we perhaps made you... uncomfortable?"

It seemed they had. Fortunately, neither Kaidou nor Renji minded relieving him of this difficult state.

After that day, there had been no going back. And Renji did not particularly regret it.

Kaidou had somehow sneaked into his life, he realized, and he wasn't about to drive the younger boy out of it. It took him a long time to admit this wasn't only because of Inui, of course, but eventually, admit that he did. It was approximately by the day he picked up an abandoned kitten from the gutter with the sole thought of bringing her to Kaidou that he suddenly realized he cared for the younger boy just as much as he cared for Inui.

The cat was called Nekomaru, for her reddish fur and acrobatic feats, and though it was Kaidou who mostly cared for her she was also greatly loved by the other two boys. She was, they decided, theirs. A cat, though, should have plenty of room to live in, they all agreed. It was by this excuse – though much more serious intentions – that they started looking for somewhere to live around the time the two older boys finished university. Talking about finding a place for Nekomaru was safe, it didn't feel like anywhere as big a step as finding a place for all of them. Yet, in the end, even as Nekomaru surveyed her new realm, the three young men quietly held hands as they looked at their very own home.

Kaidou, after finishing university, got seriously in the professional circuit, both Renji and Inui coaching him. It was pleasure to see one of his beloveds getting further and further, facing and defeating the best players of the world. Kaidou had strength, and motivation, and potential, and he had two lovers who would support him through anything. Soon enough, they were convinced, he would be the best in the world. After all, true to Inui's prediction, it had been years since he had last been defeated.

Slowly Renji had got to the point where he couldn't even imagine life without either of his lovers. This, he would discover, was tempting fate, for fate was often eager to show you things unimaginable.

In Renji's case, this was accomplished by a single phone call on one of the most beautiful days of the summer.

"Sadaharu?" he answered his cell phone, wondering what his lover had to say. "What is it?"

"Renji," said Inui, and at that one word, Renji's heart froze for a moment. He had known Inui ever since they were children, yet never before had he heard such pain in the other's voice. "Renji, I just got a call – there's been an accident, Kaoru, he –"

"What happened to him, Sadaharu?" Renji interrupted, suddenly knowing that this day would probably be one of the worst ones in his life. "Was he injured? How badly? Will he play tennis again?" He then fell silent, awaiting the usual analytic explanation of the situation, so like Inui. However, he somehow sensed the other wouldn't be able to give one, and that thought distressed him more than anything.

"It's nothing like that," Inui said, and the simple defeat in his voice tore Renji's heart apart. "It's not about tennis anymore, Renji. Kaoru – he is –"

Inui didn't finish his sentence. He didn't have to. With all his data on the other man, Renji knew very well that by now only one thing could shock Inui enough to make him unable to speak.

Hiding his face in the hand that was currently not holding a phone, Renji gave a bitter, broken laugh. It was absurd, he knew, and probably somewhat crazy, but he simply couldn't help it. Apparently whatever higher powers controlled his life had a bitter grudge against him.

He had only recently gotten used to the fact that he indeed loved Kaidou, just like he loved Inui. And now Kaidou had been taken away from them both.

* * *

Yanagi Renji did not as much miss Kaidou Kaoru as he would have given anything for the other man would come back.

It was so empty now, even with two people in the house. When Kaidou had been there, even though he rarely spoke, it had never seemed so quiet. Now, the whole house seemed like a tomb, as though Kaidou had taken them along and wasn't about to let go.

Of course, part of the reason for this was that neither Renji nor Inui seemed inclined to talk, nowadays. Whenever they tried to, the conversation always seemed to turn to Kaidou, and they'd fall silent, awkward and hurting. They both knew it'd be the best to talk about it, to conquer their sorrow and get over it, but at the moment the task seemed unbearable.

Renji tried not to think about it, as it indeed hurt. However, there were reminders everywhere. As he found a forgotten bandanna under the couch, he spent forever just staring at it, unable to move. As he listened to the radio and Kaidou's favourite song was on, the rest of the world seemed to stop, leaving him alone with the painful memories. As he held Inui while the other man cried bitter tears, he felt like crying himself, too.

Even Nekomaru seemed to sense the sorrow in the house. She walked around, meowing questioningly, apparently looking for Kaidou. Whenever the door was opened, she perked up like a dog waiting for its master's return, only to return to her miserable meows as it was not him. Cats were not supposed to be as affectionate or loyal as dogs, but apparently Kaidou's strange spell had affected even her.

One day Renji was startled to realize he had felt a sudden urge to kick the poor cat. It wasn't her fault, really; how could she know that whenever she walked into sight Renji half expected Kaidou to appear right after her? She couldn't know such a thing, and thus it wasn't her fault that it hurt to realize Kaidou wouldn't soon come to offer treats to her or pet her.

Something had to be done, though. He couldn't take this constant reminder of what he had lost. It was difficult enough even without it.

This was why Renji one day found himself on Momoshiro Takeshi's doorstep with a cat and a favour to ask. At least Momoshiro had always liked her.

"I'm disappointed." Momoshiro's cool words startled him. "You seemed to get along pretty well, but I guess I was wrong. I understand if you never liked him, Yanagi-san, I totally understand that. However, isn't this too much? It's just a cat. It's not him. You don't have to get rid of her to get Inui all to yourself." The purple eyes sparked with anger. "I bet you're glad to be able to get rid of every last reminder of him."

"You misunderstand." Renji heard a calm voice and was surprised to realize it was his own. "When Kaoru was... home, Nekomaru would always be near him. She didn't care much about humans otherwise, but something seemed to draw her to Kaoru. If you saw one, the other was sure to soon appear." He opened his eyes for a brief moment, looking seriously at Momoshiro. "Now, I see her, but I don't see him. It's... not pleasant."

The younger man blinked, then smiled, sadly. "I guess I was right with the first guess, then. What a surprise, what a total surprise. Sorry, Yanagi-san – I did misunderstand."

"I do not blame you," Renji replied. "It would seem like the natural reaction in our situation, would it not? But I assure you, I really did care about Kaoru."

"I'll believe you." Momoshiro turned his eyes to the cat carriage. "Well, I guess I'll just have to look after you from now on, eh? At least you're prettier than that old Mamushi!"

Renji might have said something about that if he hadn't noticed how the other man's voice got almost caught in his throat at the last word.

When he returned home, he and Inui started the painful task of collecting and putting away Kaidou's belongings. It wasn't healthy, they had agreed, to cling to such things. They only worked as reminders and brought more pain. Of course they couldn't simply throw everything away – they might regret that later – but at least they would have to get everything out of sight.

They worked slowly, looking over each object, talking about the memories it brought up, about all the little things about Kaidou they'd got the privilege to know. How he always wore the blue wristbands instead of the green ones, how he always clutched that one pillow when a movie on TV was scary, how he didn't care which pen he used but was very particular about the paper. They talked a lot, and laughed a little, and found themselves in tears more often than not. In the end, they got it all packed up, some things to be given away, some to be thrown away, some to be put aside until they could look at them again.

Afterwards Renji glanced around, noticing just how empty their home seemed, how the bookshelf looked so open without Kaidou's books and the desk so deserted without the little cat statue. He noticed this, and wondered how he had ever thought he could make some place a home with only Inui and himself living there.

That night, it was Renji who cried himself to sleep in his lover's arms.

* * *

Inui wasn't home. This meant Renji was home alone.

It was absolutely quiet, now, as even Nekomaru was away. All he could hear was his own heartbeat and breath, the faint sounds seemingly echoing in the painfully empty rooms. At that moment, he would have given anything to hear the familiar hiss, to find yet another bandanna lying on the floor, to find any evidence that Kaidou hadn't left him forever. He knew it was impossible, though. Kaidou was gone, and everything that had been his was gone, too. Although some of Kaidou's things were only hidden away at the back of the storage room, he knew he wasn't ready to see them no matter how much he yearned it.

The scent of tea tickled his nostrils. Kaidou had always drunk it, more than Renji and Inui combined. The scent of tea had, to the three men, come to mean Kaidou just as surely as the smell of some horrible, unidentifiable juice signalled Inui. Renji had hoped making some tea would help a bit, make him feel a bit more alive again, as he sometimes felt it was he and not at all Kaidou who had died. However, it didn't work, not that he had truly expected it to.

He stared down at his cup of tea, not taking one sip of it, knowing it couldn't taste the same without Kaidou there.

Renji had never truly hated Kaidou, despite all their differences. Now, however, he very nearly did – not for taking Inui from him, as he had once expected, but for being taken away from him instead.


End file.
